Our First Time
by gleeplldegrassi
Summary: "I'm scared of what this means," I mumbled timidly. It was true, I didn't understand my feelings at the moment and I'm terrified to know what having sex with Brittany would mean.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I don't own any of the characters of this story or Glee at all and I'm making no profit from writing this...**

**This is my first ever story! Currently a one-shot, however, more than willing to continue if wanted. More on that later.**

**Enjoy! : )**

_**"It is fatal to enter any war without having the will to win it." Douglas Macarthur**_

Sweet lady kisses had become a regular thing with us. It was actually the thing that we did most together nowadays. It all started with a truth or dare kiss at a party and I guess it just hasn't stopped from there. We both said that we needed more 'practice' for when it came to the real kissing; kissing boys that is. Practice, that's what we keep telling ourselves. Although, I think we both know that there's much more too this than practicing for boys, however, we are both too afraid to admit it. That was until one day, when Brittany accidently said too much.

"_I like kissing you, San," she said to me. We were both sitting on my bed, in a slight uncomfortable position kissing each other._

"_Yeah me too, although remember this is just so we're better for boys. It's not about feelings and shit like that. Okay?" I said to her. It came off much harsher than I wanted it too, but I needed her to understand. This couldn't mean anything; it was just some fun practice for when we have boyfriends and stuff. She had to know that as well._

"_Well, San… I actually have something to tell you," she told me in a scared but slightly confident voice. Why was she scared to tell me something? We shared everything with each other._

_I backed my body away from hers, so I could see her better. I stared into her eyes and saw her usually bright blue eyes now filled with a much darker shade._

"_What is it? Don't be afraid to tell me," I assured her, and slightly rubbed her shoulder to tell her that's okay to tell me what she wants._

"_Okay…. I like you San," she told me hesitantly and I just looked at her. This is what she wanted to tell me? This is what was worrying her so much. Didn't she already know that I liked her to? We're already best friends. Now I was confused._

"_I like you too, Britt-Britt. I don't understand why you need to say that. I thought you would already know this by now. I mean, I wouldn't hang out with someone I didn't like, would I?" I told her and now she was the one looking a bit confused. Or was that her being frustrated? Maybe even her getting impatient…. I really couldn't read her eyes at this moment. After what felt like forever she spoke._

"_No Santana," she said and she used my full name. Now I knew that something was definitely up. "I mean, I like you. You know, as in like, like you. Like feelings like you. Maybe even lo-" she said and I cut her off._

"_I get it you like, like me. But don't dare to finish the rest of that sentence," I told her, my voice filled with venom. She was going to say maybe even love you. But, she can't love me. This can't be love. "You don't like, like me and you sure as hell don't- don't love me! You just think you do, but you don't okay?" I told her looking her straight in the eyes as if to threaten her._

"_But I do. I think I would know. I'm not stupid okay, I know the difference between normal like and this type of like," she told me on the verge of tears. I just wanted to cuddle her up and tell her that she wasn't stupid and that I liked her like that too. But I couldn't like her like that, my parents would kill me. Society would kill us…._

"_Well maybe you are stupid because you can't like me like this. I think everyone at school was right about you, you really are dumb," I told her and I hated myself already. I can't believe I just said that. I never called her stupid or dumb before, because she really wasn't. In fact, she was one of the smartest people that I knew._

"_You don't mean that. I know you like me too. I can just feel it," she replied firmly, as if it was one hundred per cent fact; and it was. But, she wasn't allowed to know that._

"_I'm really not, I meant what I said. I don't know what planet you live on, no wait I actually do. You live on planet dumb and I live on earth and I know that I don't like you in that way. Seriously, it was just some stupid kissing, I didn't know that it would turn you on," I said and now I wanted to kill myself. Her blue eyes automatically filled with tears and I hated myself for being the person to put them there; I was causing her the pain that she was feeling._

"_I got to go… You want to be mean, then fine. I thought you were different compared to everyone else, but maybe I was wrong. I don't know why I even liked you in the first place," she replied sadly. I watched her pick up her stuff from the floor and walk towards the door. She was going to leave and I needed to stop her. I had to say that I was sorry. I ran as quickly as I could and put my hand on top of hers on the door knob._

"_Wait! I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to call you stupid. I just….. I don't like you the way you want me too. I guess I was a bit harsh," I said and I was really trying to apologise. I just don't do apologies well. She didn't turn around when she started talking._

"_I forgive you Santana for calling me stupid and dumb. I forgive you for screaming and getting angry at me. I forgive you for talking to me like I'm a baby. I also forgive you for talking to me like I'm one of the Cheerios at school, after they step all over you when we perform the pyramid. The only thing that I don't forgive you for is you lying to me and to yourself. We both know that you feel the same although you don't want to say it. That's fine, keep lying. But, I can't just be your friend when we both know that we feel so much more for each other. When you finally decide to stop lying, I will decide to forgive you for lying. Until then, have a good life!" Britt, said in one big mouth full. How did she even do that? Okay, now is not the time to compare her breathing and speaking ability skills to Berry._

_Our hands were still touching each others on the handle of the door. We lingered there for a little while longer. I heard a few sobs come from her but she tried to hide them by coughing. I think we were both waiting for the other to do something. I was waiting for her to say that this was all a big joke and she wouldn't stop being my friend, but she was just waiting for me to admit my true feelings. I had a feeling that nothing would be said by either of us._

_One minute…. Two, three, four minutes passed until I finally felt some movement. I saw her shake her hand from under mine and wiggle my hand away from the door handle. She still had her back to me, but she waited. I think this was her way of saying that it was my last chance; if I didn't stop her leaving, than she wouldn't come back. I let her go; I was a coward._

"_Have a nice life Santana!" she spat at me in such a way that I thought she was someone else completely. She opened the door and all I could do was watch as she left my room and her figure became smaller until she finally disappeared from my house._

_I slammed my bedroom door shut and fell to the ground. When I finally woke up, I felt my face. It was very wet and so was the carpet. I got up and looked at my room. My clothes were scattered all over the place and my mobile was lying broken on my floor next to my wardrobe. How did all this happen? I didn't remember much after Brittany left; maybe I drank too much. I felt a little sore somewhere near my wrist but I was too sad to think much of it. I then walked towards the floor to reach for my mobile. It was lying next to my mirror sliding doors that opened my wardrobe. When I went to pick it up, something caught my eye. I saw through the reflection of my mirrors a cut wrist. I didn't remember hitting or cutting it on something so I just shrugged it off. It wasn't that deep anyway. Later that day while attempting to clean my room, I found a knife with fresh blood on it._

It took a while for us to talk again, but we did eventually. We both knew that I wouldn't admit the truth but we both knew what the truth was. I apologised to her and so did she. We never mentioned that night or anything resembling getting feelings involved. We did continue to kiss though. But, we never brought up why we were doing it, nor did we say that it was practice for boys. We just did it and that was the end of it.

"Sweet lady kisses," Brittany mumbled when I started kissing her neck. We kissed all the time but that was about it. We never had sex although sometimes we did kiss each other's necks and feel each other's boobs but only on top of our clothing.

I continued kissing her neck and it was easy because I was straddling her hips. Her hands reached for my back and she started rubbing up and down on top of my Elmo t-shirt. Eventually, I moved back to her mouth and then to her collarbone. Then, she did something unexpected; she put her hands underneath my t-shirt and moved them towards my back. She lightly brushed over the back of my bra and started moving up and down. This is when I utterly froze. Britt must have noticed because she started talking.

"Uh… I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to do," she said worriedly as if she was going to scare me away. I think she did scare me a little, but I wanted this. I didn't know what exactly I wanted or what we were doing but I did know that I wanted to continue. When I felt her hands start to move underneath my shirt in an attempt to remove them, I stopped her. I placed my hands on top of hers and she immediately looked up slightly confused and surprised.

"I don't want you to move your hands. I-I kind of like them there," I admitted shyly and gave her a small smile. She smiled back. I removed my hands slowly, just in case she decided to move her hands away from my back once I let go. But she didn't and I was glad.

She continued to rub up and down my back and I carried on kissing her neck, collarbone and lips. We did this for a while longer and my hands started to become fidgety. Brittany kept alternating between squeezing my bottom, to rubbing my back or even lightly resting her hands on my hips. I however, kissed down towards her collarbone while moving my hands underneath her flannel pyjama top. I looked at her for permission, just in case she thought I was overcrossing some form of boundary. Our eyes locked and she straight away knew what I was asking; so she nodded her head.

As soon as she nodded her head my hands slightly travelled their way up to Brittany's chest. I took extra time to admire her toned stomach and feel her abdominals. My God, was this girl beautiful. I couldn't help myself but to quickly give her stomach a little peck. Her abs looked delicious okay? Once I finished I looked up a bit embarrassed. Brittany, however, didn't seem to mind at all. My hands then moved up, going very delicately as if moving to rough would break her. Brittany's skin was super soft and really smooth. Finally, I reached Britt-Britt's breasts which were still covered by her bra. I gently moved my hand over the bra where her nipple would be and within a second Brittany arched into my touch. I took this as a good sign and this time tried to find her nipple through the bra. I must've done a good job finding it because she let out a moan.

"You can take my bra off, if you want," Brittany said breaking the silence. I looked at her and she nodded, so I lifted her pyjama top up and a gestured for her to sit up a little bit. Once she did, I moved my hands towards her back. She was sitting front on, she so was facing my. I kept eye contact with her the entire time and skilfully removed her bra. It fell off and I moved back to look at her. Her breasts were perfectly shaped not too big and not too small. They looked very healthy and her nipples were also hard. She cupped my face and leaned in to kiss me. It was a passionate, yet very gentle kiss, unlike the kisses that I had shared with Puck.

Brittany then leaned back onto the bed and grabbed onto me as well, so that I would be straddling her. She was looking at me expectantly and I wasn't sure what to do. Now, sitting on her the situation felt so real. I realised how much I always want this and how wrong it also was. She must've seen my hesitation because she spoke up.

"You can touch them, you know," she said referring to her breasts. I mean, touching them before with her bra on was one thing, but this felt completely different. She was actually sitting underneath me with no top or bra on. I cautiously moved my hands towards her breasts and gave them a little squeeze. She moved her head back and it gave me more confidence to continue. I moved my hands over to where her nipples were and gently gave them a squeeze; her nipples became even harder. I alternated between squeezing, pinching and rubbing her breasts and nipples. I thought this was amusing, although Brittany must not have.

"Mouth," she said with a confident yet desperate look.

"What?" I had heard correctly and I knew what she meant…. But, I didn't know what else to say.

"I need your mouth, on my boobs," she said more clearly this time. Yes I did want that too, but I think doing that might be taking things way too far. Before I had more time to think, Brittany seductively guided my head towards her breasts and let go once my mouth was right above her left breast.

"It will be fine, don't worry. I want this and you do too," she said once she saw my inner battle that was going on in my head. I looked down to Britt's breast. Then I took a quick glance of her face; she looked anxious, vulnerable and full of love. That was all I needed to plant my mouth into her breast and give it a quick kiss. Then, my quick kisses became licks and bites and a mixture of everything. I moved from her left breast, than her right and so on. In the end, I was kissing her face, neck, collarbone, stomach, breasts and her mouth.

Brittany tried to say something, but I shrugged it off as a moan because my mouth was sitting just above the waistband of her short-shorts. I quickly removed my face completely when I heard Brittany again.

"Santana," she repeated for what I'm guessing was the second time.

"Yeah," I said now straddling her again and looking her right into the eyes.

"I want you," she whispered so low that I thought I heard wrong. But I knew that I had heard correctly. I already thought we had taken things between us too far, but it wasn't too late to go back, was it? What harm would it do now? A lot, I answered my own question. I thought about lying to Brittany but that isn't possible as she's locking eyes with me and would be able to spot the lie straight away. Also, I hate lying to Brittany.

"I-I want you too, but you can't have me and I can't have you. I'm sorry Brittany but we have to stop," I stuttered a bit and then composed myself. She had to understand that I wanted her, but we just couldn't do anything. But I had to tell her the truth; I didn't want a repeat of what happened last time.

"Why?" she asked. It was such an innocent question. It was only one word, but the answer to the question could be an entire book. Oh, I don't know, maybe because my parents would literally murder me. Maybe because society would not accept our relationship, meaning we wouldn't be accepted as a couple. Maybe because we'd get bullied to no end by the kids at school and maybe even cop some shit from the teachers and parents. Maybe because if we do this then there wouldn't be any going back, it means what we have is real and that scares the shit out of me. Maybe because when people find out, they would try and hurt us and I never want you to be in danger, especially if it's me who's unintentionally putting you in danger. Maybe because… see what I mean about being able to fill an entire book.

"There are so many reasons; I could write a whole book if I wanted too," I told her and I felt sad saying it because I knew it was true. She took a moment to look at me then she sighed. After a deep breath she looked me in the eyes.

"Close your eyes," she said in a hush whisper. Okay….. That wasn't what I was expecting at all.

"Why?" I asked her. I was genuinely confused at this moment.

"Do you trust me?" she ignored my question and asked her own. Yes, I trust you more than anything. I trust you with my life. I trust you more than what I trust myself.

"Yes, I trust you completely," I said in a relatively loud and quick voice considering the situation we were in.

"Okay, then close them for me," she said and I automatically shut my eyes. "Now don't move or speak unless I say so, okay?" she asked and I nodded. Then I felt her grab my hands and I felt panicked and excited, yet more relaxed than ever. I was still straddling her hips though, so I was a bit worried where this was going.

"Now, you say there are many things that are wrong with this, right?" she asked me and I nodded my head yes. "Okay. Now I want you to picture or think what is right about this. You've thought badly, now it's time to think positively," she breathed out and I felt her hot breath on my skin.

I did think about it though. Everything felt right with Brittany, yet I kept thinking about the wrongs. Britt-Britt made me laugh when nobody else could. She always puts a smile on my face when I'm sad or just in general. When I'm with her I feel like such a better person, maybe because she just brings out the best in me. I mean, I do things that I would never consider doing for others. If I could write a book about what it wrong with this, than I could write an entire encyclopaedia on what is right with us.

"Okay, so now that you've thought, do the rights outweigh the wrongs?" she asked me and again with the honesty thing.

"Yes," I told her very straight out. I thought that she would reply or ask me another question. Instead though, she started moving my hands. Actually, I would say that she was guiding my hands. She stopped once she reached the top of her short-shorts. Then, she undid her string on her short-shorts very unhurriedly and I watched in awe. I guess I was a bit horrified but at the same time I was admiring Brittany. She was so carefree that I sometimes wished I could be more like her.

After she completely finished untying her string she moved her hands away completely and rested them on the top of her head.

"It's all up to you now," she mumbled while watching my actions closely. I could feel her gaze burning into my skin.

"I-I'm scared. I just….. I have to go," I said and attempted to get off of her, but her strong hands held me in place.

"No. You're not going anywhere. What are you scared of?" Brittany asked me in a tired but still full of lust voice.

"I'm scared of what this means," I mumbled timidly. It was true, I didn't understand my feelings at the moment and I'm terrified to know what having sex with Brittany would mean.

"How about you stop thinking about what things mean and just follow your heart. You're over thinking things," she replied back and I never understood why people thought Brittany was dumb. Okay, maybe I sort of understood. Brittany could be pretty random at times, maybe even a bit naïve….but she definitely wasn't dumb, in fact quite the opposite. However, I still wasn't convinced.

"You said you trust me right? Then trust me on this as well," she said while looking me right in the eye. She didn't say anything else and I couldn't think of something to say because she started moving her hands under my t-shirt. Again this was new territory for us, so I wasn't use to it all. It made my heart start to race a little bit. Then, she started guiding her hands further up my stomach and I thought she was going towards my chest, so my heart was beating unlike ever before. Brittany however, only stopped once she reached near my fast paced beating heart.

"You see now, how your heart is beating super fast because you thought I was going to feel your boobs. You're nervous and people usually only become nervous when they're next the person that they like or love, or when they have to like perform a public speech or something," she said positively as she kept her hands on the skin that was covering my heart.

I did feel what she was talking about though. My heart was beating pretty fast. Before I was about to speak, Brittany placed my hands on top of her heart. Her heart was also beating faster than the typical speed.

"You see, my heart is also beating fast. Just let your heart guide you tonight and we'll worry about the rest tomorrow," she said and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be with her both emotionally and physically tonight.

I didn't give her any warning as I tucked my left hand underneath her short-shorts and beneath her Elmo undies. Then, I just paused. My hands were in her underwear just sitting there, as I started to get a bit overwhelmed.

"It's okay," she said reassuringly. "Take all the time you need," she continued on. I took a deep breath and dared myself to continue. I decided to get a better angle if I was going to go through with this. I moved from my straddling position on her hips to laying straight on top her body with my hands inside her underwear. I leant down and started kissing her passionately on the lips while my hand was laying awkwardly in her duck undies. After a while I started moving my hand and I finally felt the heating that was radiating from her.

I lightly brushed my finger over her untouched private part and I felt the soaking wetness come from her. She was really turned on right now. Then I also felt a tingling sensation develop underneath my pants as well. I shifted my finger to be hovering just above her entrance.

"Are you ready?" I whispered to her while trying to keep my nerves under control. We were both virgins although we had done our fair share of kissing, even if most of it was from each other.

"Uh, yeah," she whispered back sounding equally as nervous but with a tint of excitement.

I entered a finger inside her in what I thought was a gentle manner but, I must have thought wrong.

"Ouch," she whimpered as her body tried to jerk away from my touch. We had only recently turned fifteen years old and we didn't have much practice at all. Not even from ourselves, so her body was not use to the intruder.

I went to remove my finger out of her, thinking this was a bad idea but I felt a hand on top of mine.

"Don't even think about stopping. I just… I need some time to get use to it because it hurts. Can you help me?" she asked me her voice sounding in pain but I also felt her desperation.

"Yeah, I can help you," I replied back. I had no idea how but I was going to try. I started kissing her lips and neck and eventually I saw her pain subdue. Her body got use to my finger and she gave me the look saying to continue on.

I slowly, well slower than last time, moved my hand inside of her. I mildly moved in and out of her and soon she was moaning out in good pain.

"Oh San, this feel amazing," she said as quietly as she could. Nobody was home but I think she was still being cautious for my sake.

I increased my pace, soon going as fast as I could. I watched as Brittany's eyes rolled back and her body tensed in pleasure. Soon her breaths became much louder and her moans were more like soft screams. My hands felt really sticky and they were becoming tired from working so hard and being closed off by her shorts. This wasn't at all like the porn you see, not that I had seen any….

"Santana!" she screamed at in pleasure and she started panting very hard. Her faced was flushed and her stomach was going in and out very fast. I took my finger out and rolled off of her, sitting next to her not knowing what to do. Do I comfort or just let her be? I chose the latter.

"That felt really awesome San," she told me once she calmed down and regained her breath.

"Thanks, I guess," I said not knowing how to reply to that.

"Your turn," she said and without any notification she got on top of me. She bent down and started kissing, but not for long. Quite quickly she was pulling at the waistband of my middle length Elmo pyjama bottoms and trying to get her hand underneath. She was successful but not for long as I reached my hand on top of hers, to stop her from going further. She looked back up at me with confused, angry and hurtful eyes.

"I'm sorry; I'm just not ready okay?" I told her feeling bad for her. I didn't want her to be hurt but I genuinely thought I wasn't ready.

"I get it San. We'll make a deal, okay? I continue and whenever you want to stop just say the word. We're not going to do anything that you don't want to do," she asked me and I felt really loved in that moment. I didn't think I would need to tell her to stop, firstly because I didn't want to and secondly because of all the love she has for me.

I just nodded my head.

Then she grabbed my hand and moved it to my side. Then slowly she lifted up my pyjama bottoms to get more room to work with. She repositioned her hand inside my pink lace underwear and made herself comfortable. I still had my shirt on but she was too engaged in the moment to care and neither did I. I just wanted to feel her hands inside of me. I felt her flick through my folds slightly and I was surprised my how wet I was. Her hand kept slipping from the amount of wetness down there. Then she stopped brushing my folds and moved her index finger near my entrance. I started to get more nervous and my breath became a bit uneven. Brittany being Brittany obviously noticed.

"Do you want me to stop?" she asked and although she sounded a bit disappointed, I knew she understood.

"No," I said back to her because it was the truth. I was anxious and nervous but I didn't want her to stop.

"Alright, well tell me if you feel uncomfortable," she said to me.

"I would never feel uncomfortable with you," I said to her honestly. You can't ever be uncomfortable with your true love, I also added in my head.

She smiled at me and then asked for permission with her eyes to finally stick her finger in and let me feel the same way she did only minutes ago. I answered yes, through my eyes of course and she understood immediately. See, Britt's and I are so made for each other that we can communicate with our eyes. That means no need for English class anymore.

I gasped in shocked pleasure and pain as Brittany entered me. I think I was enjoying this much more than Brittany was during the beginning. Maybe that was because I had a bit more experience. No, not in that way; I was lying about the porn thing before okay.

"Are you in pain? Do you want me to stop? I'm so sorry, I ne-" she starting saying but I cut her off.

"Brittany, I'm fine. Just continue," I said to her making her worries wash away with my voice. She looked down to check if I was telling the truth, which I was. She persisted, moving in and out as fast as she could when she could tell I needed more. Sure she was doing a good job but I just need that extra push. What I didn't expect was for Brittany to take the initiative and stick a second finger inside me. It felt like I was being stretched but in a good way. She pumped really fast for a few more seconds and I finally became undone. My breathing was irregular and I felt really exhausted and hot. She took her fingers out and we both lay down next to each other.

She eventually fell asleep wrapped around my body, although I stayed wide awake.

After a while, I rapidly felt the effects of what we had done. I realised that this couldn't happen; it shouldn't have happened to begin with. I have to end whatever it is we are before it is too late. Brittany and I could never be in a normal relationship even if we wanted to. Suddenly I felt ice cold and the body wrapped around me felt like it weighed thousands of kilos.

I couldn't fall asleep knowing that I would have to break her heart- both our hearts- in the morning.

**Author's Note: I really have no idea how this story came across to those reading it. Good or bad? This is something I wrote because I really want others to read my work and it's helped me to deal with personal things.**

**The inspiration for this came from Douglas Macarthur, "It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it."**

**If you have questions, I have a Tumblr: **_**sportdegrassipllglee . tumblr . com**_

**This Tumblr will have information on stories, spoilers, updates and I will gladly answer your questions.****  
****I reply more there than on FanFiction : )**

_**(This Tumblr is my personal Tumblr and I will follow back anyone!)**_

**Finally, this story may or may not stay as a one-shot story. I was thinking of doing a continuation of this; having all their possible different first times (and maybe first kisses) and how they would have occurred etcetera. Or, continuing this story as a full multi-chapter story that carries on from this storyline. However, if the latter is chosen, updates would not be very regular due to more thinking and having a busy life… Though, having the different first times would mean an update hopefully once every 2 weeks. Probably quicker! Anyway, this has become extremely long. It's your decision guys! Please drop in a review on your thoughts for this story (or maybe chapter) and possible continuation. Thank you : )**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I don't own any of the characters of this story or Glee at all and I'm making no profit from writing this...**

**So, how did I continue this story? Read and find out! **

**Hope ya'll enjoy! : )**

* * *

"_**What some people don't realise is that, although their opinions are technically their own and not everyone has to agree with them, they can still affect someone very deeply."**_

* * *

When the morning came and the sun started shinning, I was already awake; because I hadn't fallen asleep all night. I turned my head to the alarm clock on the bedside table; 6:37 in the morning it showed. Great! It was the weekend and I was up this early.

I hesitantly turned my body to my side to see Brittany sleeping peacefully. During Brittany's sleep, she moved around a lot. Sometimes she was clinging to my body, almost desperately and other times she was on the opposite side of the bed… Like right now. I leaned in a little bit, to get a closer look at her face. It was very similar to how an infant sleeps; greatly unaware of what is happening around them. In our case, Brittany was sleeping having no idea of what she would find in the morning… Actually, it was more like what she wouldn't find; me!

I slowly got out of the bed and made myself more presentable for society. The society, which ultimately was the thing that was keeping us a part. After a quick look in the mirror I did a 180 turn and watched Brittany. She was still sleeping the same as before, so I quietly went towards her desk and grabbed a piece of paper. After picking up her favourite pen, I wrote two simple words and then placed the note on the pillow in which I was lying on previously. Then, I made my way out of the room and didn't look back.

* * *

During the rest of the weekend, I ignored Brittany completely. Every phone call went unanswered and each text non-replied too. She even tried my home phone and came over once; but I had learnt to master the art of ignoring and avoiding.

So now that I was driving on my way to school, with no hope of absolutely disregarding her because of the amount of classes we had together, I began to feel nervous. I even felt sick at how confused and sad she must be feeling… Especially with what happen between us over the weekend; we made love. It wasn't sex. Sex sounded as a very wrong way to describe what we did. Both Brittany and I love each other; we're in love, so we made love, not had sex.

Once I reached the school parking lot and parked my car, I took a deep breath. I literally had no idea how today would play out. I quickly got my bag and exited my car before I lost all my courage. Then, I made my way into the school and to my locker, knowing that Brittany would probably be at her locker too. I was right.

I knew I couldn't dodge her any longer, so I walked towards our lockers.

As soon as I started walking to them, Brittany had spotted me in the corner of her eye; I could tell by the way her face was directly in front of her locker, but her eyes were tilted ever so slightly to her left where my locker was located. I finally reached the handle of my locker and opened it. Brittany's mouth had opened slightly as though she wanted to say something but then stopped. After about a minute of me organising my things and Brittany just staring into her locker and subtly looking at me, she said something.

'Why have you been avoiding me?' she asked in a low and hurt voice. I think my heart just broke at those simple words. I didn't know what to say.

'I haven't been avoiding you,' I mumbled out and she scoffed.

'Really, cause I'm pretty sure not returning my texts and calls is what you'd call avoiding someone,' she replied back sharply. She's right though, but what could I tell her to make that hurt inside of her go away.

'Look, I didn't do it on purpose okay? I was busy,' I said just as sharp but a lot softer than her. I didn't want either of us getting angry to the point where we would attract others' attention.

'You were busy, huh? With what exactly? Did you go back to Puck or was it a different boy this time?' she asked bluntly and I couldn't believe she said that. Did she have that little faith in me? Should she? I didn't say anything to her because I was so shocked. Eventually, she got very agitated.

'Say something!' she screamed and now people were starting to stare at us. There was still a bit of time before the bell went for first period, so most people were just hanging around.

Without Brittany's permission, I grabbed hold of her arm sleeve and took us into the first empty classroom I could find.

'Are you really that ashamed of me that you have to take me into an empty classroom to talk?' she asked me, her voice filled with hurt.

'It's not like that and you know it,' I replied back quickly. She knew I couldn't have anyone finding out about us… Even though I had no idea what us meant at this moment.

'How do I know that? You refuse to talk to me about how you feel. After what happen with us on Friday… I thought things were going to be different; that things would change. But no, why would they? Instead, I wake up Saturday morning to find a note that just says I'm sorry on it!' she told me angrily and she was breathing a lot more heavily.

'I'm sorry! Ugh, wait… I mean. Look, I just can't deal with this right now,' I told her.

'You mean you can't deal with me?' she asked.

'That's not what I mean. Stop putting words in my mouth! All I'm saying is that right now, I don't want to speak about this. B-But I promise we will,' I told her as calmly as I could.

'You promise?' she asked me.

'Yes, I promise you,' I told her while I walked closer to her. I took her hand and linked her pinkie with mine and shook them together. She giggled a little bit and I gave a small smile.

'How about you come over tonight and we can speak then… My parents won't be home so we don't need to worry about them hearing us,' I said to Brittany and she beamed at me. But somehow, I think it took a lot of bravery on her part, not to comment on the fact that I picked a day to talk to her, in which my parents wouldn't be home. Though, I think she just enjoyed the fact that I agreed to talk at all.

And Brittany's smile was all it took for my heart to melt just a little bit. That smile alone was enough for me to be able to get through the day. So, with some classes together and some apart, it finally reached home time. Usually I would be really excited, but now I was super nervous; because I knew that in a couple of hours Brittany would be over so that we could talk. So we can talk about feelings; how I feel about Brittany. My best friend in the entire world, who just so happens to be a girl. So having feelings for her; loving her would make me a lesbian. I would be gay. A dyke even.

Uh! I really had no idea if I could get through this.

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**Author's Note: Should I continue with this? Or isn't the story up to standard? I have no clue, so please leave some feedback and comments. **

**Though, it seems as though most of my viewers wanted a continuation from this plot and have it turn into a multi-chapter story. This is why the wait took longer than planned and is shorter. Note that most chapters will be shorter but hopefully updated more often if continued. **

**The inspiration for this came from ****"What some people don't realise is that, although their opinions are technically their own and not everyone has to agree with them, they can still affect someone very deeply."**

_**Visit: sportdegrassipllglee . tumblr . com**_

**Reviews = motivation and quicker updates…. I didn't get much feedback from my first chapter. **

**Thank you! : )**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I don't own any of the characters of this story or Glee at all and I'm making no profit from writing this...**

**Okay, so I've decided that this story is going to come to an abrupt stop. But, I couldn't find it in my heart not to provide some sort of ending to everybody who has shown interest in the story. So this will be the last chapter, in what was meant to be a story of over 20 chapters. However, with very little reviews and not much motivation I had to do something. But the good news is that I can now focus on other stories too. And I'll write much more in the future. Everything is a bit hectic at the moment, so I apologise for the lengthy wait. **

**It has been fun writing and I hope ya'll enjoy the last chapter! : )**

**Also, italics in this chapter represent a song being sung.**

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_**"I never planned on making you cry, but not letting go would be living a lie."**_

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Brittany, just texted me saying that she would be here in around ten minutes. I don't think my heart has ever pounded this much against my rib cage before. You see, this is what she does to me… and I completely love her for that. But at the same time, it's another thing that I love about her that scares me. My love for her and her love for me scares me more than any horror movie I've seen. This town, this world loves to talk; to gossip about other peoples' business. I admit that I have done that also. But, I guess I do that because of the fear from my own insecurities. By no means am I saying that it's an excuse though.

I hear a knock on my door and I look down at my phone to realise that it's been fifteen minutes since she last texted me. That means that she's the one who is knocking. I start to feel very anxious as I make my way down the stairs. Before I notice what I'm doing I have opened the door and am received with the most beautiful smile in the world and a bone crashing hug.

'Hey San,' Brittany says enthusiastically with a teeth showing smile.

'Hi Britt,' I reply with a tight lipped smile. I can now feel butterflies in my stomach and I'm not sure if they are from seeing Brittany or because of the long awaited talk that we're about to have.

'Do you want something to drink or…' I trial off. This is so awkward because I never ask that; usually we both help ourselves when we are in each other's houses.

'Nah, I'm good,' she tells me politely while looking down. Now I think I made her feel awkward too. Damn it Santana. Get it together.

'You want to go upstairs to me room?' I ask her. She smiles at this.

'Sure San. I thought for a minute that we were going to stay downstairs, which we like never do,' she says laughing. I can't help but smile too, because she is speaking the truth. I don't think we have ever hung around downstairs for longer than two minutes. And this is only when we need to retrieve some snacks.

Once we reached my room I let Brittany enter first and then shut my door. Not that it mattered however, because like I mentioned earlier my parents weren't going to be home. I sat down on the pillow side of my bed, while Brittany sat directly opposite me but on the edge of the bed; this gave us plenty of space while being able to look each other in the eye.

'Why do you like Puck?' Brittany blurted. Wow! I was not expecting that.

'Um… I don't like Puck. As a friend I do kind of,' I tell her honestly.

'Okay, but do you always fuck your friends?' she snapped back quickly.

'Jeez, Britt. Where is all this coming from?' I answered back a little bit fearfully. Brittany never acted like this; she barely ever swore for Christ's sake!

'It's coming from my heart. Because every time you go with him you break it,' she said while tears were threatening to fall out of her bright blue eyes. I began to actually cry. I felt little tears pouring out of my eyes and onto my face and bed.

'I uh…' I started but didn't know what to say. This was going much worse than I hoped and so quickly and unexpectedly.

Brittany lunged towards me and began half hugging me with one of her hands gripping my waist and the other pulling me into her from my neck. She buried her head near my collarbone and clutched on to me as if she was holding on for dear life.

'Tell me,' she hissed. 'Tell what he can do better than me. Tell me why after every time we make love you go back into his bed. Tell me why if Puck is unavailable you go to the nearest boy you can find. Tell me if you cry when you're with him. Tell me if you love him… T-Tell me. Tell me if you love me,' she said while she half whispered and half sobbed the last one.

She didn't give me the chance to reply before pushing me flat down against the bed and straddling my hips. She placed some soft kisses onto my neck and then started kissing my lips hungrily. I kissed her back with just as much passion before realising that I was crying. My tears starting falling from my eyes and eventually down to our mashed up lips. Brittany must have tasted the salt from my tears because she immediately stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes. She unlocked her mouth about to say something before I quickly jumped in.

'I do love you. Not him, not ever him. I think it's impossible for me to love anyone that's not you,' I told her laying myself bare. Saying this laying directly under her, I felt completely and utterly vulnerable.

'Oh San,' she said breaking down into tears. 'That's all you had to say. I know you aren't ready to tell the world that you love me. And while I can't completely relate to your fear, I understand it… Not as much as you do, but I hope that I don't need to one day. I hope that one day your love for me will be enough to make you fearless.'

If anyone happened to walk in to my room one day they would think that we're both completely crazy. Her I am with this gorgeous girl sitting on top of me and we're just crying our eyes out.

That's when I realised that I will always live with this terror and fright. I can't let Brittany or even ask her to wait for me because I don't even think I'll ever be ready. I'm not brave; I never have been. My family, I've never connected with them. There has always been a distance between us, which my brother had never experienced. But I always did. Telling them that I love Brittany and forever will… That will ruin any chance of me making them proud. So I have to do the one thing I never wanted to do; let Brittany go and be free.

I gave her a kiss that was quite heated and lasted for about half a minute. We were still crying but had calmed down a little bit. I broke the kiss apart because I didn't want to give her false hope; hope that she would assume I wanted us to be together, even if it was in secret. But, I didn't want Britt to be stuck in a secret relationship with me. She deserved someone who was willing to show her off without being scared. She deserved someone who isn't me. I struggled a bit underneath her until she got the hint and allowed me to move away. Now we were sitting opposite each other again.

'_Never thought we'd have a last kiss, never imagined we'd end like this,'_ I sung to her. I think she was a little bit confused but after a while I saw realisation flash across her eyes. But as quickly as it was there, it was gone. Now, I just saw fading hope.

'What?' she said. But I think she knew what I meant. We were breaking up… Even if we were never really together to begin with.

'_So I'll watch your life in pictures, like I used to watch you sleep. And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe. And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. Hope it's nice where you are,'_ I sung again.

'No! No…' she said._ 'And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day. And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. We can plan for a change in weather and time, I never planned on you changing your mind,' _she sung back.

'This is it Britt. It's over,' I said told her breaking my heart and hers in the process.

'_You told me you loved me so why did you go away,'_ she kept singing as if I hadn't said anything. _'Your name, forever the-'_ I interrupted her.

'Stop, Britt. I didn't want us to end like this. But I can't keep lying to you. I won't ever be ready and I won't let you wait. I'm setting you free,' I said.

'Well what happens if I don't want to be set free? Huh. Ever thought of that,' she asked me.

'I hope you find happiness in all the places that I could never fulfil. Just know that I'll never love anyone as much as you,' I told her beginning to cry. I moved towards her and gave her one quick that lasted about the longest five seconds of my life; I think I knew that this would be our last kiss.

Then I quickly bolted to the bathroom and locked the door, ignoring Brittany's pleas not to do this and to come back to her. She didn't stop repeating the same things over and over again for about an hour. We were still both crying until she stopped. Then no sounds were heard. I thought maybe Brittany finally got the idea and left, but then I heard some sounds and finally the noise of my bedroom door slamming shut. Then a car engine turning on and driving away.

But when I looked down I saw a note written in Brittany's lovely hand writing.

_Your name, forever the name on my lips. _

Then I broke down into tears all over again.

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**Author's Note: That's a wrap! It's a sad ending to the story but not everything in life turns out the way we hope. But remember; Brittana forever! So, maybe in time I'll write a sequel to this. What do you guys think?**

**For exclusives on updates, stories and possible new stories follow me on: **_**sportdegrassipllglee . tumblr . com**_

**Review and I hope you enjoyed the ride : )  
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